Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Adventurers Almanac: The Teddy Toast

As a member of the Adventurers Club, one must always adhere strictly to its many conventions of etiquette. From Volume 54 Issue No. 1, Club butler Graves refreshes us on one of the establishment's most sacred and honored traditions:


Greetings, fellow Adventurers!

In future issues, as part of my duties as Club butler, I will be discussing the etiquette involved in many of the Adventurers Club functions (Manure Diving Competition, Gator Grappling Olympics, etc.), however, it has come to my attention that many of the present membership, particularly the newer members, are avoiding, if not totally ignoring, one of our most time honored traditions, the "Teddy Toast." As the ritual indicates, upon returning to the Club after a hard day of adventuring, one should move as speedily as possible to the nearest bar or watering hole and purchase the beverage of one's choice. Moving without delay, one should wend one's way back up to the "Founders' Corner" and stand before the portrait of Teddy Roosevelt, the ultimate adventurer. You are to raise your untouched drink high to the heavens, shout "Charge!" at the top of your lungs, and drain your glass completely.

This tradition dates back to the time Bart Biffbay was stopped in that particular spot by Nashy. Nash inquired how "Bilge-Water Bart" planned to settle his extremely large and extremely delinquent bar tab. Bart replied he would charge it, to which a rather angry and redfaced Nash screamed, "Charge!?!?" "Exactly!," said Bart, downing a gin and tonic, after which Nash downed Bart. In these simple times, we need to be true to our simple traditions.

Yours ever loyally — Graves